Proceed to cart Product added to cart
Recommended also
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder. Before anyone asks: Yes, this Cosmoline is blessed by the Gun Jesus himself. These marks are made by his very hands.

Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder

Price 20.99 USD excluding VAT

In Soviet Union, eternal life and time travel are the same as here, but entirely different. We have managed to source this ancient Eastern secret of preservature. Endorsed by the Gun Jesus himself, this wonderful all-in-one and one-in-all solution is available only from Varusteleka. Very limited batch, get yours now or die later.

  • Sold 127 pcs in the last two weeks.
  • We don't know when this product will be restocked. With surplus the restock date is unknown due to sometimes poor availability. Request restock notification and we will email you as soon as this product is available.
Add to cart Add to cart Choose variation First select a product Loading Just a moment, thank you!
Add to wish list Add to wish list
Trouble with the metric system? Try our converter:
cm = 0' 0" or 0" and
feet  inches = 0 cm
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder.
Genuine Soviet Cosmoline: Anti-Age Time Erasing Wonder. Before anyone asks: Yes, this Cosmoline is blessed by the Gun Jesus himself. These marks are made by his very hands.

In Soviet Union, eternal life and time travel are the same as here, but entirely different. We have managed to source this ancient Eastern secret of preservature. Endorsed by the Gun Jesus himself, this wonderful all-in-one and one-in-all solution is available only from Varusteleka. Very limited batch, get yours now or die later.

A true wonder solution against aging

Nature has dictated that every thing will age and degrade in the course of time. But have you ever wondered how Lenin still looks so young? How the MIR station held up as long as it did (it's probably still kept somewhere)? How Putin never seems to age? How Donald Trump has kept his hair so perky? How Ian McCollum of the Forgotten Weapons apparently fought in the Finnish Winter & Continuation War in 1939-1945 but doesn't look a day older today? That's right, it's Cosmoline "Smazka GOI-54p", the Soviet solution to stop aging immediately and zoom into the future the natural way, without any time lapse trickery or hypersleep! Bury your Mosin rifle deep into the ground, wrap it up in paper and cosmoline and it will be there to greet the future archeologists in the same condition you left it there - or better! Smear your cheeks with it and feel the rejuvenating ancient energy flowing through, shielding you from aging! Your significant other will thank you.

Not only that, as Cosmoline has a ton of everyday applications as well! Stuffed to ears it effectively blocks noise and unlike earplugs it really contours to the cavity of your ears. Or how about spicing up that intimate business too? While Cosmoline indeed lubricates, it also retains just the right amount of friction for maximum pleasure. When you get up, straighten out your messy hair with this same stuff - in fact, guess what the hair styling secret of these guys is!

Removing cosmoline?

Need to remove the applied Cosmoline for some reason? No problem - Cosmoline is quickly & easily removed from any surface with just excessive heat or direct fire.

Finnish handcraft

Canning the cosmoline by hand

This magical solution is dug out from an ancient sealed old rusty Soviet bucket of Cosmoline (with its inner surface of course being *perfectly* preserved) and is processed into 80 ml tins by hand by our artesan craftsmen. In reality the tins are 100 ml in volume but since these are hand-packed they have some... tolerance regarding the amount of contents, so we figured you'll get at least 80 ml.

Disclaimer

When using Cosmoline Varusteleka does not take responsibility for:

  • Skin cancer
  • Various other skin diseases and/or rash
  • Jungle rot
  • Sexually transmitted diseases
  • Headache
  • Digestive problems
  • Hallucinations
  • Nightmares
  • Excessive sweating
  • Tremors
  • Erectile dysfunction
  • Loss of appetite
  • Loss of hair
  • Loss of limbs
  • Loss of eyesight
  • Loss of other senses
  • Psychedelia
  • Tingling sensation in the armpit area
  • Boils around genitalia
  • Manic thoughts
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Yellowing of the skin
  • Sudden death

In case we were misunderstood, here are the real contents & disclaimers: Contains at least 80 ml of mineral oil based Soviet factory grease (like vaseline). Do no eat, do not get this in your eyes. Although this isn't really hazardous to skin, we recommend using protective gloves. We do not sell this as any actual skin care product, it is only meant for preserving metal objects.

Officially this is basic preservation and lubrication grease of the lowest hazard class. For those who only take in real information: GOST 3276-89.

Recommendations

Loading products... Loading products...

Reviews

You have already submitted a review. You can edit your text by clicking on it.

Log in and write a review.

Remove filter
Five stars
Four stars
Three stars
Two stars
One star
10
1
73 %
recommends
27 %
does not recommend
4.82 / 5
11 ratings
Suomi Suomi (4)
English English (7)
Five stars
I would not recommend to a friend

01.04.2021 (Edited 01.04.2021)
Genuine Soviet Cosmolinen ansiosta kolmen linjan kiväärini näyttää edelleen yhtä upealta kuin aprillipäivänä 1926. Suosittelen!
37 Like 0 Dislike Report abuse
Five stars
I would recommend for a friend

01.04.2021
Five stars
I would recommend for a friend

01.04.2021
Tuoksu on kukkainen , mutta ulkonäky mämmimäisen rapsakka. Saranat eivät enää jumita kun tämän on nauttinut.
12 Like 0 Dislike Report abuse
Five stars
I would recommend for a friend

01.04.2021
Suosittelen suksien ja hiihtäjän voiteluun, hyvin luistaa voitelun jälkeen ja voittaa kaiken maailman norjalaiset huulivoiteet. Ja Suezin kanavasta kuulemma saivat laivan irti tällä ihmetavaralla, ei voi kuin vain ihailla mihin kaikkeen tämä taipuu.
4 Like 0 Dislike Report abuse
Five stars
I would not recommend to a friend

01.04.2021
I had some rust spots on my jaw and chin, I used an angle grinder and then treated them with cosmoline. I felt sick for a few days but then attractive women in soviet uniforms came to my house and I now have a harem. I am not going to recommend this to others because if you don't have the "stamina", you might die.
31 Like 0 Dislike Report abuse
Three stars
I would not recommend to a friend

01.04.2021
Nothing puts a collectivized factory showroom shine on a 1975 LADA like this stuff, so I tried it on my skin. I used regularly but developed intense longing for borscht, vodka, and being appointed deputy to my local workers and peasants council. I applied some as intimate lubricant in an effort to get the wife one child closer to her Mother Heroine of the Soviet Union medal and now need a competent divorce attorney. Your mileage may vary.
17 Like 0 Dislike Report abuse
Five stars
I would recommend for a friend

01.04.2021 (Edited 01.04.2021)
Mine friend was of using it as shaving cream while shaving his face with 6X4 bayonet. When he went in public for job at ammunition plant, he could not have stopped what was of happened. The women, they could not contain themselves. My friend was torn to many small pieces. Funeral next Tuesday. Casket closed.
9 Like 0 Dislike Report abuse
Five stars
I would recommend for a friend

01.04.2021
This product is the source of Mr McCollum's immortality.

Ian McCollum was patented in 1887, and saw full-scale production starting in 1893. Initial production was all in 7.65mm French longue, with a .32acp version available starting in 1905. Conversion kits were available, but are extremely rare in today's collectors' market.

Ians were exclusively produced in 7.65browning(.32acp) from 1913-1921, with various barrel length and embellishment options available from the factory as special order items.

Shooter-grade, unembellished examples generally bring 4-500 dollars, while a full set of engraved/inlaid pistol with conversion kit and presentation case recently sold at Morphy auctions for over $80,000.

Extra magazines are rare, but dedicated collectors often convert H&R Self-Loader magazines.
9 Like 0 Dislike Report abuse
Five stars
I would recommend for a friend

01.04.2021
Use this as hair gel to be the envy of your post-shift bathtub vodka distilling group held behind the factory toolshed.
6 Like 0 Dislike Report abuse

Comments

Comment this or discuss with other Varusteleka regular users. If you wish to ask us anything, please click on the message button on the right side of the page. You can also send us email or call us! Log in and join the conversation.

Please report this text if for example:

  • Text is wildly obscene or completely irrelevant.
  • The reviewer has not actually used the product he is reviewing.

If you strongly disagree with this text, please press thumb down button.

Thank you!

Cancel
Loading...